


Diary Entries

by The_Red_Impostor



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Bad Humor, Diary/Journal, First Fic in this Fandom For Me, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Humor, I am not a comedian okay? But I wanted to try writing it, M/M, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:02:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Red_Impostor/pseuds/The_Red_Impostor
Summary: Dear Diary,There is a boy with blond hair that sits in the front of the class by the window. The sun is shining through his golden longs and makes them seem like they are made from pure gold.I really suits him and emphasises the blue in his eyes.But there is a problem.He has a boyfriend.A very very bad boyfriend.----------------My first ever Kriity fic. Holy shit ever since I got into the fandom, I realised that even if I will be going to hell I will go down with this ship. Hopefully, I will upload weekly. The fic is almost finished, but I have uni to attend. :)
Relationships: John | KryozGaming/SMii7Y
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! :D   
> This is my first every Kriity fanfic and I am very excited to finally release this small project of mine. ("Small" they say while it took literally a year to write lol). I consider myself new to the fandom, since I still can't separate everyone. 
> 
> I want to say that apart from the main cast (the ship and their friends) everyone else is fiction. I just want to come clean ok? I don't want to offend people. I am here to write a story that was inspired by these two youtubers interacting. That's all. 
> 
> Sometimes I will have some notes at the start which would be me being a fan and dying on the inside from a recent video or whatever. I want us to feel the pain of being a fan on those two together. :) 
> 
> (Please continue doing videos together oh my God, your humour is bouncing off one another and it is ADORABLE! )
> 
> Okay, rant over. Thank you for reading and have fun!

Dear Diary,

  
I have to admit, I don't know how to start writing you. It is the first time that I have to write my thoughts in a diary and it is not for an assignment. Which was..... in 5th grade...

... Anyway!

That is why have no clue what to do. I guess I will figure it out as I go.

Like I said, it is my first time scribbling my thoughts into paper so I don't know how to start this at all. I guess I have to explain why I started to write one, now, in a paper of all times. Even more in paper than in a Notepad or a Word document like a normal person of the 21st century. 

To be honest, this notebook is a departing gift from my mom. It was her way to show me that even though she can't be besides me physically in order to hear all my problems out, that I had somewhere to go to. To have somewhere to go to that wouldn't judge you for your deceptions or who you are or what you are. The last part she didn't say it, but I saw the thoughts shaping themselves behind her beautiful brown wriggled eyes. 

Well... I guess I wanted to give it a shot. 

I remember her amused face when she saw how astonished I was from her words, both said and not. I remember feeling exposed and scared in front of the only person that I loved and cared about the most when I was about to come out to her. I remember my heartbeat stopping and then accelerating to full panic mode. She must have seen my reaction and immediately came and cupped my face. She is now a half a head shorter than me, but she cupped my face like I was still and looked at me with the same loving eyes as always. I closed my eyes and waited for the harsh words or her anger or anything, but nothing came. I opened my eyes to find her still looking at me with adoration and love. I could feel my eyes started to water. 

"When did you find out?" I had asked.

"I always knew Jaren. I was, am and will always be your mother. It is my job by nature to know such things." she had said in a sweet and calming voice.

"And you don't mind? Me being..." the tears were almost too much to be contained.

"Gay? Oh, my child, I love you more than anything in the world. You know that right?" She had said. "That is why for your shake you need to leave today and have this conversation. You need to go to the university, my son. So that you can have a better future. You need to learn to live, son and this small village in the middle of nowhere is not able to give the opportunities that you need."

Her eyes were now glittering with tears. It was obvious that she was physically restraining herself to not cry in front of me. The memory alone is making my heart beat harder and my lungs closing in. The guilt that is still a lot, but I know that she went through all of that in order to protect me and respect my choices. I wish I would be able to one day repay for her kindness. 

"It pains me greatly to see you leave. I feel like I am kicking you out of your own home. Please, son, would you write on this diary for me? It would really make me feel better if you do." she had moved her arms to hug me tight

"It's okay mom. If you promise me that you will never think that you kicked me out of my home. You never did that, okay?" I remember hugging her back and simultaneously trying to fight back the tears in my eyes. She had only nodded in my neck as an answer.

I remember the horn was what forced us apart. Trembling she let me go and looked at me in the eyes with the same sweet loving smile of hers.

"Have fun my son and remember that I always love you. No matter what." she said as she put my last luggage in the car. 

That was the last thing we said. She pushed me inside the car with a 'you will miss your flight if you don't hurry up' and waved at me. I was looking at her until she and the house became a distant dot in the sky.

I didn't cry then nor on the airplane nor when I moved into the small apartment my aunt gave rented me. I cried after everything was unpacked, my aunt was sleeping soundly in the other room and I was alone unpacking the family photos of my and my mother's. 

But I am, also, crying now as I am writing this diary. I try very hard not to stain the pages with my tears or let my trembling ruin my already bad hand writing. I gave it some though on my way to the city and I decided that when I am going to give this diary back to my mom it either will be all finished or I will have finished the university. Whatever comes first.

Preferably the second.

The normal thing that anyone would say in this situation about my mom is to hope that she will be alright. But not me. I know this strong woman will be fine by herself. She managed to be after almost 20 years living in that small house and simultaneously raising me all by herself. I know she will be alright, but that doesn't mean that I will not worry about her. She is my mom after all.

Man that turned gloomy way too hard and way too fast. Wow. (Am I even allowed to write "wow" in a diary? Well, my literature teacher will not look at this. Hi, Mrs Jephson. :] )

The other big elephant in the room is the fact that university starts in a couple of days and I super excited and super scared at the same time. I have already signed in myself and received my university card along with my timetable for this semester.

Apparently I have 8 subjects in this one and that makes the calendar almost undoable to look at. Oh, well. Welcome to the adult life, I guess. 

I will try to write again when I will have time.

Yours truly,  
Jaren.

P.S. Why doing the laundry is so damn difficult? Why are there so many different ways to wash clothes? Where the fuck is the instruction manual for this shit? 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Already two weeks late to update.)
> 
> Well doesn't this go spiffily already? *sign*
> 
> I just, also, finished my first week of uni lectures for this semester. I have some free time now so I will edit two of my chapters so that I can be on par with the original plan. Thankfully, the chapters are 1500 words the most. So editing does not take that long. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it. :)

Dear Diary,

The first week of the lectures just passed by and the only thing I can say about it is that "it was okay". The thing is it will be the last week that will be "okay" in terms of both homework and lectures. After the half of the next most of the lecturers will give us our assignments and teach us what we need to write on them as the time goes by. Pretty simple right? Well, they informed us that because we will be starting to write them so early in the semester that they expect high quality of work as well as at least 15000 words per assignment. 

Like I said: "Last 'okay' week".

Other than that, I was able to unpack everything that I had in my small room and fit in all my clothes and books from back home. We are not allowed to glue posters on the walls so all of my CS:GO and Apex posters are now hanging on the small pin board inside my room. Not gonna lie, it feels a little weird not having them around my head when I wake up, but I am starting to get used to it. The walls are too white and in all the movies these kinds of rooms belong to asylum places. There is a joke hiding around the corner, but it is going over my head right now. 

The flat is nice. I have my own bathroom and bed. I need to share my kitchen and living room with a couple of other people. I haven't met all of my flatmates yet, but the few that I have all seem kind of nice. The dorm is an all boys dorm so all of them are boys. I met this boy Evan and we immediately hit it off.

“Boy” is kind of an exaggeration since he is way older than me, but huh. Who is counting? I am not since he is a fellow Canadian, so I will let it slide for now. He has one class with me which is kind of sad, but hey this is better than nothing. We meet up at lunch almost every day and then walk home together. I can safely say that he is my friend. 

My first friend in university. If this was a horror movie he will be the one to take us all to the haunted house. And would also be the one that would die first…

Yeah that sounds about accurate for him. 

I also met Scott and Jay. Not in such depth as Jay, because both of them got accepted at the dorm late so they were running to bring all of their possessions, unpack them and at the same time go to university on time. All in all, running for their lives. We did arrange to watch a movie together in the common room tonight so I am hoping to get to know them better and who knows? Maybe, we can hang out both inside and outside the dorm. We will see how tonight goes. 

And that leads to the last thing I want to write about. 

The boy at the front middle seat. 

Buckle up everybody this is gonna be one hell of a ride.

So on the first day, I almost ran late for my first class due to my alarm going off an hour later than I anticipated. I had forgotten to adjust the hour of that thing to the one here. Technology is failing me on my first day. So I wanted to wake up at 7 but instead I woke up at 8 and the class was at 9.

Big oomf. 

Good thing I am getting ready pretty quickly. Thankfully, I wasn't late, but when I went into the classroom all of the front desks were taken and there were only the ones at the last row at the very back that were free. I decided to sit at the one besides the window. Like any anime protagonist would do. But, like for real, why does that happen every time?

Anyway.

I didn't have much stuff to do until the class started so I decided to look around the room and see if Jay had the same class with me. (he didn't)

That was when I first saw him. 

Like I mentioned before, he was sitting in the middle of the class and from my position I had the perfect side view of him. He has lightly curled, bleached hair and small chubby cheeks with a small cute bottom nose that I feel like booping it every time. His hands are full of silver rings and he has painted his nails black. He seems to have a normal height which makes him a little taller than me. He had his headphones on until the class started. A thing that he does in every class and I know that, because I have him in every class. 

Not that I noticed or anything…

I am NOT a creep, ya hear me?

....

*sign* I can’t even convince myself at this point. 

And yes, I signed in my own diary to sue me. 

Anyway, he is with me in all 8 of them. Which would have been nice if it wasn't for the fact that he has a buffed up boyfriend who comes and picks him up after every lecture. I mean, I don't know for sure that they are boyfriends, but I have some pretty solid clues on relationships. Looking like a douche and smiling creepily like that old man Herbert from American Dad is not the way to greet your boyfriend after every class. I mean, “Hello. I clearly have eyes and I can see that you two are together. You don’t need to tell everything that you are together like you have the Lotto or something. Jeez.”

Yeah. Pretty sure not to go for the boy in the front mid row.. 

Well at least, I have an eye candy now. An eye candy I am afraid to talk to, because his boyfriend looks like someone out of a rugby team dressed up as a rock star with no sense of fashion aka “do not to mess around with me if you value your life”.

Roger that Bon Jovi wannabe failure. 

Well, other than that, there is not much to say about my first week. It was more peaceful that I imagined it to be (except from the super hot blondy introduction). I still feel a little stupid writing this, but I get why some people do it. I will not most likely have many diary entries since I will be getting a little bit busy from now on. 

Oh well. We will have to wait and see. 

Talk to you later,

Jaren.

P.S. I found out how to do my laundry. Jay helped with that. Now my next enemy is the dishwasher. I am tired of eating on plastic plates or washing my dishes. One step at a time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as I promised. Second chapter in one day. I missed breakfast for this, but it was worth it. I will go eat now.
> 
> Have fun with the new chapter.

Dear mom,

From what you can see I finally figured out that the pages of the diary are easily removable, so I decided that I will use that to my advantage and sent you about my life by letter. I get to use the diary and not feel like a total idiot and you are sure that I use it along with getting info that I couldn’t say on the phone. Two birds with one stone. I still feel weird for writing a letter to my mother in the 21st century, but at least it would be better than a diary like I am some 6 year old school girl. I am too lazy to rewrite the other two entries so you are “Mr Diary” on those. I hope, Your Majesty, will excuse her humble son of hers for that small mistake. ;) 

So I am sending you all three weeks of my life. “The life of a country boy living for the first time in the city as a university student” in one go. This is too long for a book title, but it can work in light novels.

I wanted to write your for so long and I know it sounds cliché, but something always came up and I didn't have time to do anything for myself. On the plus side, I am here now. 

“This introduction took way too long, Jaren” I can hear you say. Have patience, Your Majesty, I am getting there. Jeez. 

After meeting all of them I can say with confidence that my flatmates are all very good dudes. The movie night two weeks back was a major success and now we agreed to do the same every Wednesday at 9. We picked that day, because both Scott and Evan are in a relationship and they want to have the weekends free for them. Scott has a girlfriend that stays in the city named Chrissy and Evan has Jonathan. He is a little weird, but is a good kid with a golden heart that adores Evan. He pops up every so often and we talked for a bit. I also invited him and Chrissy for Wednesday's movie nights and they both agreed. 

Another guy also came to fill in the last room of the flat. His name is Brain and he is Irish. I believed that he had the thickest accent I have ever heard off until I met my last flatmate David. Then the crown went to him, but man I can’t even understand what he is saying half the time. At least I am not alone in that. You know it is that bad when not even the Irish understand each other. 

Oh yes, mom, it is that thick of an accent. 

Other news is that I dyed my hair white. Yes, mom, I am as shocked as you on this one. I didn't really plan anything to be honest, I just went inside the barber shop to cut my hair and told the guy that I wanted a change, so that I would have a new fresh start in life. So the guy looked at me for a couple of moments and decided to dye my hair white. To be honest, I think I look good in them. I begged Jay (he studies photography) to take a picture of me and print it so that I will be able to send them to you. I also found a pair of sunglasses with missed matched colours on the local market that looked cool with the hair. I hope they are printed by the time I will have to send the letter. 

I hope that you will like the new look. When I wear white I look like a milk man with strange glasses as Jonathan pointed out, but "not in a bad way" he had added. The others also liked it and commended pleasantly on it, while Cindey couldn't stop petting them because "they are so soft. Oh my God, this feels like heaven". Scott was in front as well and I tried to have him help me, but he just brushed me off with a laugh and said "I know she has a thing for soft hair don't worry about it Smitty.”

Ah yes. They call me Smitty like my username in CS:GO.We made a bet on who will have the most kills at the end of one round and I lost. Honestly, I was left off the hook with a light punishment. Jay has to do the Laundry for Evan for a month and David has to treat us to all lunch the next day. I don't really mind being called Smitty to be honest. I grew accustomed to it already and the guys seem to like calling me that. So instead of a punishment the nickname became a regular thing among us. So it's a win win situation for everybody.

There is one last thing that I want to talk about you mom.

That “thing” is John. 

In the previous diary entry, I mentioned a boy in the front seat. I, now, know his name is John and his boyfriend of two years is James. I think you would have guessed already that I developed a small crush on him in the first week. You see I was hoping that after I would have acknowledged my feelings I would be able to get over my small crush.

Well… That didn’t happen.

Oh God, I am getting flustered again by writing this. Thank God you can't see me right now. 

I catch myself thinking about him when I am not focusing on something and that happens more often than not nowadays. It is getting frustrating and it doesn’t help that I am blushing every time I catch myself thinking about him. Every time I look at the window after staring at his back a little too long, my face is a darker shade of pink than before. This is really embarrassing to admit, but I think my small crush is getting bigger and not reducing. 

I haven't had the chance to talk to him yet, because he comes inside the classroom a minute before the class and leaves as soon as the bell rings. I am also out of conversation material to talk to with him. I know mom, that you would say to go talk to him about the assignments and ask questions on them, but I feel stupid doing that when the teacher is right there waiting for people like me to come ask any questions.

I am also a little scared of James, mom. Every time I see him, I swear he becomes more masculine. He also sends his equally big gorillas to pick up John when he can’t come himself. I am staying as far away as possible from them and John. You don’t have to worry yourself too much mom. I will be admiring from afar. It is the only thing that I can do in this situation anyways.

Well at least now, I know his name and he is not just 'The guy on the front seat'. He now has a more suitable name to refer to. I heard it when one of James' goons talked to him and I was close enough to eavesdrop even if I didn’t mean to. 

Jay says that I should be optimistic, but I need to get over him now before I will be more hurt. He is right. Of course he is and I know it. Evan, Scott and Chrissy said the same. They asked one day when they saw me down, so I told them. Brain and David don’t know, but I think they suspect something, because they keep giving pats in the back and a small smile every time they see me down. 

I am sure that you would have loved them if you met them. 

I hope I will get over John before it is too late.

Until next time mom.

Love you,

Jaren.

  
  
  


P.S.: I am a master now at laundry and I am getting pretty good at handling the dishwasher. The major problem now is that we are 4 fully grown men that don't know how to cook and eating pizza every day is getting a little boring. I found some cooking shows online, but any help or advice would be appreciated. 

P.S.2: I am also searching for a job. I can't always live with your money mom. I think you will understand that I want to have my own pocket money and save up in case something happens. 

P.S.3: Update: Jay printed a lot of pictures. Half of them I didn't even know he took, so don't freak out a lot at the size of the folder, okay? I hope they will not charge me a lot in the post office. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot starts to progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Happily sits down to watch the new Scribble It video.*  
> *John and Smii7y are paired up and John names their team "Gay Lovers"*  
> Me: *internally screaming*  
> Also me: *let's down her cup of tea and proceeds to spam my friends in Discord as I was dying inside*  
> Also also me: *finally accepts that it would not be K-pop that would kill me, but the teasing from this ship*  
> Also also also me: "I am fine."
> 
> Anyway. New chapter. I hope you enjoy! :)

Dear Diary,

Well, am I a hypocrite? I said that I would be only using this diary to write to my mom, but here I am writing to my “diary” again. Well, I guess I can’t actually tell my mom what happened today and expect her not to start calling me in panic. I can’t have her ruining her health with worry from something that I have no power over. Even though I know for a fact that it is her job as a “mother” to worry over her “son”. She is a lone woman and I would never forgive myself if something would have happened to her. 

So that is why this will remain a normal diary entry. Let's hope that no one finds out about its existence. My flatmates may be teasing sons of bitches, but at least they would not disrespect my privacy. So, the odds are in my favour so far. 

I have two things that I want to write about today and finally, get them out of my system. 

The first one is that I was paired up with John for a group project which would have been a blessing in disguise for me if it weren’t for the teeny tiny obstacle called “James and Co”. 

You see not even 24 hours after we got paired up, the very “friendly looking and polite” people that follow James around like he is a Messiah or something, almost jumped on me. 

Oh yeah. It is that bad ladies and gentlemen. 

Buckle up people, cause the tea is hot today. 

So like I said, I was paired up with John. John as in: ‘very hot ring wearing blonde that sits in the front row’ John. As in: ‘pastel wearing emo kid that has a very apathetic resting bitch face’. As in: ‘John the man that somehow is able to pull off flowers and buttons in his jeans flawlessly’.

You got the gist. 

I knew about the groupwork from the first week, but the lecturer said that we needed to find a team by week 4 (this week) and if we couldn't she was gonna pair us up with whoever was left. Unfortunately, for me Jay was not in that class. The only fucking person that I was able to befriend in the semester so far was not there when I needed him the most. Like come on brah! 

Anyway, so I waited until this week to be assigned to someone and that is what exactly happened. I was assigned to John, who had, also, waited for the weeks to pass. I almost fell off my seat when she announced my name after John’s for the team. Before the class ended, the lecturer gave everyone time to talk to their team and start planning the project. I was still scribbling away notes on my book when a large shadow came over me. I looked up to find his brown eyes looking down on me, but instead of his none-calamand look, he looked a little nervous to talk to me. Good think Canada makes you polite and friendly down to the bone. 

Just when I was finally able to start letting go off my crush, he smiles nervously at me while introducing himself. Like ‘Hello? How can you be so cute and cool at the same time?’. It should be illegal. And oh God, he has the best voice I have ever heard! I almost melted at the sound of it. It is low and monotonous, but not boring. Those were the fastest 30 minutes of conversation in my entire life. We went through our hobbies and at some point found ourselves dissing the COD community for the trash that it is. He was a little hesitant to take my number and promised me to text me his when he went home. 

For once the bell didn’t save me, but cut a very long and entertaining discussion (monologue by him) on “why Poly Bridge is considered essential qualifications to have when you are a Civil Engineer”. John lost all the energetic happiness that he had shown me for the past 10 minutes when he saw James standing in the door frame. He looked like someone that found out that someone threw frogs to his house and the culprit was now standing in front of him. 

(Personally, I would have given the guy points for creativity and another budget of frogs to throw.)

I was prepared for him to start marching to our direction (which he did), but be civil enough not to cause any scene (which he didn’t). The douche had the audacity to come and introduce himself to me and the conversation went like this:

"John's boyfriend, James." he had said and extended his hand. John gave him a nasty look, but didn’t move to stop the man that was now besides him. 

"Yes. Hello, I will be paired up with him for the group project." (First rule of a Canadian: “Whatever the situation may be, always be polite.)

"Oh, John didn't mention being paired up before." he had said and looked at his boyfriend with daggers in his eyes.

"Oh maybe because we may, oh I don’t know, just got paired up? It has to be a group work and us two were the last ones without a team." I tried to remain calm and bit my lip not to laugh at the astonished look that James gave John at his sarcastic remark. I was expecting him to say something equally sarcastic to John, but instead he didn't say anything and just took John and left the building.

I had hoped that this was how far James' possessiveness went, but I don’t have that many hopes for humanity anymore. 

And for once in my life I was right not to trust humanity.

I should have suspected that something was wrong when John didn't show up on time for the next class. At first, I thought that he may be running late, but after the first half an hour of him not showing up, I just kept telling myself that he may have caught a cold and he couldn't come. I wanted to text him, but I didn’t have his number. So, I focused on the class and my homework to calm my worries. 

I have a little backstory here before I start the juice part so bear with me. There is a small path of alleys that connect the lecture building with the dorms. They were done that way, so that the students that lived in the dorms didn't have to go around the building in order to access them. I was using those alleys, because they cut my walking distance from 20 minutes to 5 even if it would be 1am and pitch black darkness. I would still choose them than the long way. Having said that, I am a young male of decent height and an okay build. Let’s be real, I have less chances of being robbed and/or jumped than a lady in this kind of situation. Well, I guess, I am that unlucky in this case. 

They were waiting for me at the very middle of the alley wearing total black and, almost, blending in with the shadows that the walls were creating. I said “almost”, cause some leather jackets had metal looking thorns glued on them that glittered from time to time. I saw far enough away for them not to see me, but I had a very clear view of their faces when one of them was stupid enough to check his phone for the time. The light illuminated them all. I stopped on my track immediately. 

I started very very slowly and very calmly to walk backwards. I knew that they had not seen me, but I had seen them. After three steps I turned around and started running to the direction I had come from. I had heard them curse and started running behind me, but I was faster than them and managed to go to the nearest building with a security guard inside. 

The university's library. 

Thankfully, I was quick enough to scan my card and went inside the building and closed the door behind me. I hit myself behind the wall and sure enough I heard them ran passed the front of the building.

The library volunteer, who saw the whole scene, was sympathetic and offered to hide me under the office desk until the thugs would leave me alone. I didn't want to at first. I didn’t want him to be in trouble because of me. The man let out a small laugh and reassured me that the library staff was dealing with the broken heating system so they would not come up to check on him for a while. In the end, I complied and hid myself under the table. My savour called the security when he saw that the thugs tried to open the automatic door forcefully. While the security chased out my pursuers, I was able to learn a little bit about my very own “Deux ex machina”. 

Which brings me to the second thing that I wanted to talk about. 

He's name is Ryan, but he likes to go with Ohm and he has been a library assistant volunteer for all the 3 years he was in the university. That is why the staff trust him enough to let him stay on the front desk while they are busy somewhere else. He is now doing his final year in engineering. He, like everyone else that I met so far, loves to play video games and he is mostly a ‘PC gamer’. He also loves bunnies so much that when he is designing his own characters he always makes them have a grey outfit and, if possible, bunny ears.

He blushed when he said that and tried to shake it off.

"Hey! If I can go around looking like a milk bag with cool glasses, you can have your weird obsession with bunnies. No judge here."

Man, it was so cringe and cheesy, but at least it made him smile, so worth it.

I wish I could tell that to my mom. She would have been so proud of me. Maybe I will, I will just not mention the fact that I am hiding from 3 bad people that want to harm me just because. Just a minor detail.

After half an hour, the security guard came back. I didn’t see the thugs again for the rest of the night. Ohm offered to walk me home after his shift, like I am a damsel in distress (I am searching for the lie, but I can’t find it). 

Apparently he leaves a couple of floors above me. I offered to introduce him to my flatmates and made him promise me that he wouldn’t say a word to them about that night’s incident. He frowned, but in the end let it go, after I promised him that I would stop taking the quick route and that if it were to happen again I would call him and then the police. 

Ironically, John texted me the very next day. He said that he indeed had a small fever. We were able to arrange for a study date on the weekend. 

So yeah, in the end I had three important things happen this week. I have John's number and a study date, I am being chased at by random evil looking dudes and I also made a new friend.

What a weird way to end your 4th week in the new city.

Yours truly,

Jaren.

P.S.: I am starting to get better at cooking. Now I am not burning the pans nor have spaghetti that is glued into the kitchen pots. I am now the Egg-crack Master of the flat and my omelettes are decent. That is progress, right? Right?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to spice things up a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I still do not have a writing style. So I decided to experiment a little with this fic. This chapter is my fist experiment. I hope you like it. Feel free to comment if you liked it or not. :) Other than that thank you for reading and I hope you will enjoy.

_(Jaren looks at John one last time before sliding his notepad towards John.)_

“I Tawt I Taw a Puddy tat.”

“I Tawt I Taw another Puddy tat.”

.You are an idiot. This is what we did in the 3rd grade to sneak up to the girls

And we are surrounded by Puddy tats.

.Can't argue with that. Please, stop quoting Tweety, for God's sake. I am trying to concentrate here 

You know them?

?James' friends. Do you know them

I ran into them once, but mostly saw them picking you up after class time and time again.

What are they doing here?

."An awfully bad job at keeping an eye on me quote-on-quote “undetected

Why? What are you 5? And what is with the newspapers? How many movies have these guys seen? They look hella stupid right now. 

.Beats me

Look at that one on the right. He even has the newspaper upside down. 

.Golden metal on being an idiot

Damn right you are, my man. XD

Really now. Why are they spying us?

?Did you really have to add the “XD” when you are right besides me

.James doesn't want me to talk to other people, because he gets extremely jealous

Especially with boys.

Don’t give me that look John. I am not blind. 

Sorry to break to you, but if that doesn't scream insecurity issues I don't know what does.

From an outsider's perspective, the only advice I can give you is for you to dump him for your own good. 

.No. I know. I just can't leave him

Why?

…

.It’s complicated 

…

…

So….

“How is your sex life?”

.You are a fucking idiot

An idiot that made you laugh out loud. 

.Me? No?You confuse me with someone else

Yeah, right. Keep telling yourself that princess. You might one day believe it. 

.I will keep that in mind, backo 

This is how you call all your friends?

(: .Only the ones that are special to me

~~You really make it too hard for me not to love you.~~

Hey do you want another study date? Cause this one kinda sucks with all those people staring. I can’t concentrate for shit. 

You can refuse if you want to.

.I am in. James wanted me to stay here after the "meeting" for him to come and get me. But I feel rebellious today 

We need to relocate somewhere else. 

I know you wanted a public place.

.I am going to cut you there. **I** didn’t want to be in a public place 

.The-one-who-shall-not-be-named did

I see what you did there. :)

(: .I know you did

:)

?So where are we going

Library, but we need to shake these guys off if we want to work at all.

.Deal

.I know the best way to escape

.You can say I am a master at it at this point

Ooh. Adventurous and rebellious today. I like it.

Captain Escape McGee. 

.Shut up, Jaren

Ai ai Captain.

.Shut the fuck up Lieutenant de Stupid 

Your wish. My command, Captain. XD

(: .You are a total idiot

But you love me for that. XD

~~.Unfortunately for both of us. Yes, I do~~

.Pick up your staff. We are going out


	6. Chapter 6

Dear mom,

Another week passed by so quickly and I barely had the time to register what was going on myself. A lot of good things happened, but before I can start explaining I need to ask you something: Can Jay stay with us for the Christmas holidays?

Before you start about him wanting to go see his family for the holidays, I need to remind you that his family lives 13 hours away with an airplane and that flight tickets for those specific dates are always high. His family already told him not to come anyways. They expect him on the Chinese New Year’s in February. My flatmates will go back to their own respective families and Jay would be alone if he stays back. He keeps saying that he doesn't mind, but he becomes gloomy every time someone so much as mentions Christmas in the flat. Truth to be told, I haven't asked him properly to come to stay with us, yet. I wanted to have this conversation with you before taking any initiatives. I asked the post office and they told me that it takes a week for my letters to reach you, so I am expecting your answer within two weeks. Or you can just call me. That is an option too. I am always free on weekends and even if I am not, I can take a break to speak to my mother. I am not that kind of dick that doesn’t speak to anyone from their home village after moving to the big city. You have raised me better. 

Anyway. 

In the week that passed, I was paired up with John (the boy on the front row that I talked about before) for a group project and we already had our first study date together yesterday morning. I told everyone in the flat and they all asked me the same thing: "Is it only a 'study' date?" with an innuendo smile on their faces. Mom, those boys are worse suckers for romance than their respective others I swear. If I knew that when I moved in I would have never opened up my mind to them. In addition to their teasing jokes before the meeting, after I came back they all jumped to me asking various questions about 'The Date'. They also couldn’t take “it was fine” as an answer. They wanted every single detail. Of course as a good friend of theirs said nothing and let them boil with curiosity. Good thing that none of them are cats. 

So... 'The Date'. It went well. Me and him managed to finish almost a quarter of the project in one session. We started at the university's cafe, but it was a little distracting having so many people talk around us. So we moved to the library, where John met the newest addition to the Banana Bus Squad (yes, I know a lame name for a group chat, but Marcel insisted on keeping it). Ryan, was and still is, the first person that I introduced to the guys. A big thing for them since they believe I am the introvert of the group. (No further comments on that one mom, I am making progress). I met him at the library a few days back, when he was volunteering for the university. Just like Jay we hit it off pretty quickly. He has a small obsession with grey bunnies, but other than that he is pretty chill. You would love to meet him. He gives off the vibes that he is that friend that every granny in the town would give a candy to. 

So… John…. Personality wise, I will tell you that he is an amazing person with the same kind of humour as me. (Yes, mom, I have humour even if you don't appreciate it all the time). He is very sweet and caring and also very cheeky from time to time. He was very shy when we met outside the café, but I managed to make him open up to me. Somehow. I still don't know how. Until the day that the truth will be revealed, I will believe that it was awesomeness that opened him up. I was literally a dork for the majority of our stay in the café, but he seemed to smile more so it was a win-win situation. Thankfully, I became more serious at the library and we managed to do some work on our project. Ryan somehow at the end managed to sneak in some sodas from the small fridge inside the building’s kitchen and we talked about games while sipping our drinks secretly. You should have seen them mom. They were both so shy that they couldn't talk to each other for more than one word at a time. Adorable. All in all, we had a fun time, until James (John's boyfriend) came to pick up John. He didn't do anything. He just put a protective hand around John's hip and didn't remove it even after they were out of my sight. At all. They were 200 meters away from me and I could still see the hand in his hip, like a leash. Someone has a serious problem with his insecurities. Jay and Ryan laughed at me for that, I hope you did too. I also told that to John. The fucker didn’t even deny it. (Yes, mom. I apologized for my rudeness after that.)

Other than that, it was a pretty quiet week. We went to eat with the guys and we bought so much that the bill went over $160 only for the main dishes without adding the appetizers and the dessert later. It was pretty fun to watch David almost start crying when he gave his credit card to pay the bill. It was there that the guys met Ryan. At first he was just like with John. Shy and closed off, but the guys made him open up and enjoy his time. He texted me later that he had fun and the guys asked me to invite him in our shared group chat on Facebook, which I gladly did. Me and Ryan also talked a lot using texts and he invited me to come to his room two floors above mine to play some video games later today. Needless to say, we had a blast. 

On that note, I will leave this letter to go study a little bit before I will go hang out again with Ryan.

How is everyone back there? Has anything changed since I left?

Your beloved son,

Jaren.

P.S.: I am getting better at cooking. I can now fry anything, without making too much of a mesh in the kitchen. Also, the guys thank you for teaching me how to properly clean up a house otherwise the house would have looked like a disaster 24/7. The girls also help me in cleaning and the boys pay us with free pizzas on Wednesday night's movie meetup. A pretty sweet deal don't you think?

P.S.2: I also apologize for the length of this letter. I don't have enough time to write a bigger one. University has started to be very brutal on their students. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week we have a more relaxed chapter. I really like how this is getting along even though the characters look like they are getting further and further away from their originals (real life people). However, that is the beauty of the fanfictions so I am not complaining. Thank you for the kudos. I really appreciate it. See you next week! :D


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: "Oh! A new Portal 2 video from Kryoz. Beautiful! I will eat my noodles in peace."  
> (Opens video and hears Smiity and no one else from the gang.)  
> Me: "Ok ok! This is fine. Calm down heart. They will just play a game and make jokes. Haha. Don't get excited."  
> (Kryoz makes sexual jokes and Smiity is on board.)  
> Me: *internally screaming*  
> (Needless to say I didn't eat until the video ended, afraid I will choke from a joke :) )

Dear Diary,

In the end I couldn't resist the urge not to tell (write) to somebody about my 'study date' with John. How it really was for me. Ryan knows the bad half of this story while Jay knows the 'juicy', as he describes it, part of it. My mom only knows the good parts that I want her to know, but I have a feeling that she can read between the lines. She will eventually get that I am only sending her the good stuff and never the bad. She is a smart woman after all. I don't know what I will do once she will start asking about them. I really don't. 

But for now, I just want to get it out of my system. I want someone (or something in this case) other than me to know the full story, because I am starting to be scared of how much influence this 'James' has on the underground. I really start to think that I should get away from him or something, but I am only meeting with his boyfriend. 

And maybe like him.

And maybe flirt with him. 

Just a little though. 

Maybe to the point of being extremely obvious to everyone else which is fucking terrifying. 

And maybe, just maybe I do love John. 

And yes, I said it. Ok? I said it. I, Jaren Smith, have fallen in love with John. 

Ok universe? Happy now? Jeez. 

If things go south, I want my mom to take everything I own and get the recipe for the chocolate chip cookies from Jay’s mom, cause holy shit that shit is amazing. 

Oh, yes that is how bad it is, ladies and gentlemen. 

I will write everything that I know and happens on here. When I sense that something bad is going to happen to me then I will give it to Jay. I will find an excuse for that when the time comes. Maybe something along the lines of 'oh ,hey man. I am staying at a friend's house for the night, please give that to me tomorrow morning outside the university before the class. I appreciate it, man.' He does that to me all the time when he goes to a close friend of his that lives outside the city and just wants to hang out with them until the morning. I will just play it off as a return of s favour. Okay, one less thing to stress about.

Now that is out of the way. Let’s start from the beginning. 

I need to say what actually happened last Saturday. 

So, me and John met up at the nearby café, because he insisted when we talked through the texts that wanted to be a public place. We decided on that after a short while. I arrived first 10 minutes before our date to find a table. When I got into the building and all the way until the small table that I picked at the end of the shop, I was feeling eyes that were glued on my back, but I didn't give much thought to it at all. 

When John came in, he looked so....small? Afraid? Scared? All of those things together? It was a totally different personality from the John that I met at the lecture. I didn't say anything at first. I didn't want to be rude, okay. I wanted to make a good impression and be considerate. We started, but I kept catching him looking behind. I was confused the fist couple of times that he did it, until I 'looked' the people John was looking at. 

They were the same guys that had attacked me the night I met Ryan. The very same, just slightly different dressed. Less fashionably disgusting and hooligan looking. But the same alright. They were spread out all around the shop. I am guessing to have a view of us from all the directions? 

It all makes sense to me now that I think about it again. There were five of them when I counted them. I managed to tell John that I am aware of them through writing in a piece of paper. He joked how childish that looked, but I saw how happy that little gesture made him. The smile was genuine for the first time throughout the “date” that we had. We agreed to go to the library, but first we needed to shake them off.

After running away from them once, I promised myself not to be caught off guard by them again. That is why I purchased and memorised a map of the surrounding area and their small alleys. To practise I took one of my friends (mostly David and Evan) to a 'small' walk around the university. I promised them free snacks if they came with me on my adventure to learn the city. I always delivered on my promise and I hate them both, because each time they picked the most expensive ones or the biggest proportions possible. All that money and hours of walking paid off though, because we were able to shake James' friends off in the first five minutes. John looked so confused every time we entered a small alley, but he didn't say a word and just held my hand harder as if he was afraid that he would be lost without me (which he would to be honest). 

I can't stress enough how good it felt to have him behind me laughing. Even in the parts that we had to walk we still held hands like a couple. I just looked down at some point and then back at his face to see if he was alright. He just gave me a small smile and silently, squished my hand in encouragement. I would have stared at our hands for some time longer if it wasn't for the loud footsteps that were a few meters away from us. If I was unsure of being gay before meeting him, that small stare in his brown beautiful eyes would certainly make me question my sexuality. How the hell can someone look so pretty? 

Anyways, I managed to get us in the library unscratched and not found. John met Ryan and the latter agreed to hide us off into the small kitchen. He was, also, kind enough to share with us some snacks that he had bought for himself. We all talked together for a couple of minutes and then John's phone rang. 

James was searching for him. 

Pissed. 

I could have heard his yelling even if I was a 100 miles away from this man. John managed to make up a convincing story about us too wanting to get some fresh air and that we got lost on the way. He promised that we would get directions and that they should all meet up at the university's boy dorms. Ryan wanted to come along to make sure that we got home safely and without any fights, but me and John convinced him otherwise. We didn't want this totally innocent person to get too mixed up in this mess. He agreed to stay at the library after I promised him that I would text him all that happened. Which I did. (The guy looked like we kicked his puppy when we told him our first 'No'). 

We started walking back going through small alleys again and then taking the main route for the last meters just so that we can prove John's story. We saw them from afar waiting in all black. It was pretty easy to spot as all of the people were going inside or outside the dorms and they were the only ones not moving a inch or reacting when the door to the dorms opened. 

Before we came into their line of view John grabbed my arm and stopped me in my tracks. He looked at me dead in the eyes and with all seriousness, that I have never seen before from him, said to me: 

"My phone. James has access on it. I am not allowed to have a password or he is gonna kill me. Don't talk to me about anything else except the project in the messages. He always checks them up. I don't want to risk anything by having to delete them every time. Please, don't question anything for now or make any scene. Just trust me in this. I will come sit by you in class and will properly explain everything then, okay?"

He hadn't waited for an answer and just walked away from me without any other word to my direction. He met up with his 'boyfriend' and just went along with anything the last said until they left me. He didn't say anything about our meet up on the lecture nor for any other meet up for the project. 

I believe James wouldn't care if John failed at this module to be honest and that is obvious now half a week later and countless attempts via texts for a new study date at the end of the next week all turned down hard. It would have been painfully obvious to anyone that knew a little bit of John to realize that it's not him replying to me in the messages. The guy doesn't even go as far as to try imitating John's way of texting. No even one emoji or a meme. No drama or anything. Jeez that guy is bad at this.

Except for that, his friends are also constantly following me now. Every time I turn back I can see one of them a couple of meters away from me poorly hiding the fact that they follow me like some stray dogs. They are all in their 30s so they are pretty distinguished among a university that at its core is filled with people around their 20s. I am afraid that my friends/flatmates start to notice them following me and I don't know what to do if they find out something like that happens to me. I don't want them involved in this mess too. Enough people are mixed up as it is. Ryan, like the worry cat he is, says that I need to call the police.

"And tell them what? ''Hello, police? I have some guys following me. I think that the thug boyfriend of one of my classmates, that I now am doing group work with, has put them on my trail 24/7. I believe he does that because I think that he is jealous and that I want to steal his boyfriend from him. Can you please send someone?'' Like the guys on the phone after that will definitely not think I am mental or something. I, also, think that putting police into the spotlight will anger James more and that may lead to endangering John more than he already is. All in all, a bad idea.

I am still standing by my words, but I am getting more and more scared about my safety every single day. The thugs are coming closer and closer every single day. Not by a lot, but the constant stress is starting to mess with me at this point. I hope that John will be able to calm James down and also come at the class unharmed. I need answers and if possible to get John out of this mess. He doesn't deserve a life like this. 

But we can't do anything from the phone. It is too risky. James may be waiting for an excuse like that to unleash his wrath on both of us. So for now I will lay low and wait for John to approach me once more. He said that he is going to explain. I don’t know what he will and if he will, but this is the only logical way to deal with this. For now. 

That means waiting until Monday morning and today is Thursday.

This is going to be a long weekend.

Let's hope the guys want to play some games. I need that distraction right now or I will go, literally, mental.

Sincerely,  
Jaren.

P.S.: If you are reading this for the facts, I want to apologize in advance for the random ramblings. I am writing my thoughts without a filter anymore. I am also writing with a pen and I, absolutely, hate crossing out or scratching my writings. So, yeah. The random rambling will stay as they are and will continue to pop up. Deal with it.  
P.S.2: If something bad does happen and the police finds who 'John' is, then I want him to read it once and then give it back to Jay if that is possible. It would be cruel, I know, but I want him to know my feelings for him. I think he deserves to know. But as the situation is what it is, it’s impossible to confess now.   
P.S.3: Can someone please explain to me why the fuck did they allow punches in a snowball mode? Like, what the fuck? In all my years playing snowball not even once did I consider throwing punches to the enemy team. This is how you destroy the easiest and most straightforward fight. Allowing to throw punches. Of course they will all try to fight each other with punches and don't give a shit about the snow balls. (Excuse me. I had to get this out of my system.)


	8. Not a chapter just my rambling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to come clean on something that I recently saw. 
> 
> Don't worry I will still keep writing this story.
> 
> (A chapter will come out next week as planned so don't worry about it)

Hello people Kashi here! 

As the title says this is not a chapter for the fic. I just want to come clean on you about something that I learnt yesterday. 

**I am still going to writing this story so don't worry about it.**

Okay? Good?

If you want to leave that is ok. I just want to have a small rant to get it out of my system.

I will start by saying that I don't have Twitter. That it why I was so slow on this. 

Well, as you can imagine I want to address the whole Ohm thing. (Well, Craig aka MiniLadd is not in the fic so I don't need to change anything) So, I am going to say anything about the incident itself. I don't really care to be honest. I am sad that they are not going to play games together. 

I will not take a side on who is right or wrong. It is not my place to do so. 

_What I am troubled with is weither or not should I keep Ohm to my story as he is no longer considered one with the Banana Bus Squad (Vanoss Crew)._

Right now I am too busy with my university studies and outside work to change anything. I can only reread what I have already written a year ago and correct any spelling. 

You are free to comment your opinion on it. I am open for discussion on this. I will make the decision after the end of this semester. 

That is all folks. 

Next week we have a chapter as always. 

Stay safe and thank you for reading. 


	9. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small secret conversation between out two protagonists.
> 
> Just for clarifications:   
> -Right side it is Jaren talking  
> -Left side is John talking.  
> -Scratched parts can't be seen by the other party.  
> -Text in brackets is what's happening in real life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "There will be a chapter next week as promised."
> 
> \--Proceeds to NOT update the following week.--
> 
> Me: *sweats profoundly while twirling my index fingers*
> 
> I am so sorry about this. Just like last time I am going to upload twice this week so that I would not be behind in my schedule. I am going to edit the second part after I post the first (this one).
> 
> Thank you again for reading and I hope you enjoy. :)

So, What's up Doc?

_?So every time we do this, are you gonna start the conversation with a Looney Toons quote _

Maybe. :)))

Does it bother you? 

_.You are an idiot _

_.And no. It doesn't _

You still didn’t answer my question, though.

_.I don't know where to start from _

Look, I am not gonna force you to explain to me. 

I just want you to be alright that is all. 

Are you alright John?

_.Yes _

“....”

“…”

[Jaren signs and gives a sideways glare at John. He taps a couple of times giving himself time to think before writing his answer.]

Please, don't lie to me John. 

Don't make me lick your sweat to prove my words. It is gross to even think about it.

_...Did you _

_?Did you just make a JoJo reference _

Maybe. :)))

_?You don't watch anime and you made a JoJo reference _

Look man. I am not THAT clueless ok?

I have seen the memes.

I don't understand them, but I am a user of what the society calls "internet". 

You should try it too sometimes.

_.Oh my God. You are an idiot _

…

…

_.No, Jaren. I am not fine _

_.You were right to ask_

.I have not been fine for a long time

.Don't worry about forcing me

.I want to tell you. But I just can't

[Jaren bit his cheek evaluating his next move. He decided to go all out with honesty.]

Relax, I am not going to pry. 

I can understand that it is a private issue and also a complex problem.

I am not that stupid, John. 

If you don't like being with him, why don't you dump him?

_.You've seen his gang. They will find me wherever I go and I can't leave him _

_.He knows where my family lives. I am scared that he will harm them if I try to leave him _

I am sorry.

_.Don't be. It is not your fault in the first place _

Are you even gay? Or is he forcing that on you too?

_ (((: .No. No. I am 100% gay. Don't worry about that _

_.My style, too, is mine. He likes the whole look a lot actually _

_.He says that it makes me look more feminine and thus, weaker _

_.I am his precious accessory that he loves to dominate in front of people _

_.Nothing more _

_.He doesn't lay a finger on me if we are home. I don't let him anyways _

That is good, I guess. 

John, I will be honest.

I want to help you.

But the big question is; “Can I help you?”

.You have done enough already, Jaren

_.You even managed to get into his black list _

_.That is a gold record. A very bad record. But a record all the same _

_.I don't want you to be any more involved with him _

~~ _.I can't stand the thought of you being harmed_ ~~

What was that? 

_.Oh nothing. I started noting here by mistake_

Sorry to burst your bubble John.

It is too late for me now.

I am already in too deep as you said.

~~ I love you too much to let you go now. ~~

_ “?What was that” _

“Oh nothing. I started noting here by mistake.” :))

Nice!

[Jaren from the corner of his eye was happy to see the smile returning in John’s lips.]

_.Then just be my friend in school _

_.He doesn't like the place at all and neither do his thugs _

_.Too much security and the air smells like nerds", they say"  _

_.This is my only safe-haven  _

_.Be my companion and friend for a couple of hours while we are here _

_.In the other hours, please make it look like you don't know me _

_.I will try to be cautious about the other guys _

_.I don't want them to be any more tangled up in this mess _

_.They don’t deserve this _

_.None do _

You don’t deserve this either.

You need to worry about yourself more.

You are too selfless for your own good, John.

~~ That is what I admire the most about you. That and how beautifully confident you carry yourself even after everything that happened to you. ~~

Stop being a hero to others for once and look after yourself from time to time. 

But, alright. 

I will back off. 

But don’t go running into danger. 

. _Says the guy that literally was about to throw himself in front of a gang to save_

_.Hypocrisy at its finest, ladies and gentlemen _

Hey.

Don't steal my catch phrases.

_.Too late _

You are a dick. You know that?

_.Yes and you will always be an idiot _

~~ Your idiot. ~~


	10. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I normal letter to him mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *brushes sweat away*
> 
> Oh man I finished on time for my classes. Nice! [Proceeds to high five myself, cause there was no one else in the house.] 
> 
> Anyway, second chapter of the week. I decided to write a sentence or two in the chapter summary just so i can warn people of what they are about to read. I think it helps a little. 
> 
> Ok. I am going to shut up now and go prepare myself for the 2 hours class. Bye!

Dear mom,

Thank you for replying so fast to me, but your way of execution scared the living Jesus out of me. Please, tell Mr Charles that next time he has a package for me to text me and not call me in the middle of the night. I literally had a heart attack thinking that something bad might have happened to you. Jay was about to call the ambulance for me from how white I had turned. Now he curses that he didn't grab his camera to capture “the Canadian Ghost”.

Apparently I was so white that I matched my own hair. It wasn't a fun night, mom. I couldn't sleep from the adrenaline for hours and the next day I had work.

Yes, you read right. Work. 

Mom, we are living glorious days. I am a part timer barista assistant/ waiter at the university's small café near the library. Ryan helped me get the job. I got it and I wanted to tell you as soon as possible, so I started writing right after my first shift.

The manager (my manager now) had asked Ryan to post the advertisement of the job into the university's website. He called me immediately and told me that he is going to upload it in half an hour, so he asked (demanded) me to go to the shop and wait for the post and then go to ask for the job. Ryan knew that the manager was desperate. He had said to Ryan that the first person to walk in with the post asking for the job will be hired immediately. I didn't have classes that day, so I was sleeping when he called me. I didn't wake up and prepared myself faster in my entire life. I had wild hair from running and wore yesterday's clothes, but I hoped that he wouldn’t notice (or mind) my mess. 

Thankfully, everything turned out alright. I was nervous about my looks and if he didn't like me because of my white hair, mismatched glasses and no work experience whatsoever, but my (now) manager didn't even bat an eye and as promised hired me on the spot. I started training the same day after I told him that I didn't have classes and now three shifts in and a lot of memorising later, I am pretty confident with what I am doing. Based on my manager's words, “I am also the best cleaner that they ever had”. Your cleaning techniques are saving me once again. I am finishing early every time and my boss is thinking of tipping me because of how well I do my work. 

The other good thing is that I get to see my friends more. Due to studying and our different timetables, we were not able to really hang out with each other a lot. Our movie nights are still happening, but I am not always able to attend them mentaly (I fall asleep from execution more often than not) and not everyone can now attend them physically as they are dead tired and just pass out when their head hits the pillows (just like me). Weekends are basically more time alone and with group work and clubs. We really do not have a lot of time to hang out. 

The coffee shop is in the university and is a fairly large place with a lot of chairs and tables to sit down to. It also does take away for anyone that wants a quick dose of cheap caffeine. The place is almost packed all the damn time and it gets significantly busier every hour for about 20 minutes when the classes finish/start. We call that time period 'the rushing time' and it is our way of counting how many hours have passed since we started our sifts. We use that when we are lazy and don't want to go into the small kitchen area at the back to check the time. All of my friends know that I am working there, so from time to time they pass by for a quick 'hello' or for coffee or lunch break or group assignments. I am given one half an hour break per shift and I can use it whenever I want to. Most of the time I am waiting for one of them to show up and tell me that they have an hour to spare before the next class and I immediately call for my break. (Okay, I check first if anyone else is on a break and I definitely don't go on a break when the place is full and is in 'rushing time', but you know what I mean mom. The boss doesn’t mind since I work fast and efficiently. Don’t worry he would have told me if he didn’t like it.)

My colleagues are nice too. We don't talk a lot other than work related stuff, but they are nice people that are patient with my questions and occasional mistakes. They don't seem to mind that I am so much younger than them nor that I look like I just got out from a weird cartoon or something. The kitchen stuff are two small granny's Mrs Samantha and Mrs Lily that make the best homemade pies ever and the baristas are one guy, Mike, that studies business in his last year and another girl, Miranda, in her 30s that is doing this job for a living for apparently 5 years. All good people that I am so happy to meet and work with.

The two old ladies are very worried about how skinny I look and something tell me that they are going to start giving me the leftover food in a week or two. I am now worried that I will get fat. So don't worry about me eating from now on. I ,also, started to properly learn recipes to cook and so far everything was edible and it's been a week since I burned a pot or anything in particular. I will call that progress and move on. Also, now that I remembered. Thank you for my grandma's recipe book (or a copy of it). I will start reading it right away. I missed food that tastes like home and this homesickness feels like it is here to stay unless I do something about it. So that you again. (Please again text me when you send another package. I really REALLY do not want another heart attack.)

After getting your approval, I asked Jay if he wants to come for Christmas. He was baffled to say the least. You should have seen his face mom. His eyes almost popped out and this mouth was open for so long I saw it getting dry with my very own eyes. He didn't believe it at first. I had to show him your letter for him to believe that I was not pranking him and you really want him to come at our house for the winter holidays. Of course, being a soft selfless

prick that he is at first he declined. It took me three whole days to put some sense into his stubborn head. I was the ultimate winner at the end of the day (pun intended). We will discuss more of the details of the trip later with Jay and I promise that I will inform you in time to make preparations. I know that you hate unexpected visitors so don't worry, you will be informed of our arrival in advance. Also, I appreciated that you offered a bed for John, but unfortunately he has a family that he wants to go visit and a needy boyfriend that screams for his attention. So as much as I would like to invite him, he is already booked. Ryan is also busy. I thought about asking him, but he declined me before I could even make the offer. Sorry, mom. You will only get to meet one friend from my university this Christmas. Let’s hope that next year it will be a larger number. 

On the subject of John. You wrote in your letter that you think that I already like him. You are not wrong in that aspect. I realised that fact after I sent that letter to you. When we sat down again side by side to talk about the project and the talk went from there to any thought we could think of. He now sits besides me in the lectures and he met Jay in our common class. 

They both seem to like each other, but Jay plays the overprotective best friend card on John a lot. John scoffs every time, but doesn't seem to mind since the affection was not directed to him. After half an hour John asked if we were dating or something in which me and Jay just looked at each other for a solid second and then laughed our souls out. I got stomach cramps from the amount of laughter. We explained to him that we were friends and as much as we love each other it's a brotherly love and nothing more than that. I am surprised to say, mom, that John looked relieved by that statement, but I think that it was a play from the lights. I can't have my hopes up, mom. He has a boyfriend and they don't seem to be breaking up very soon. John is, also, very loyal to everything and everyone. So he will never do something like that to James, even if he hated his guts. He really gave me that kind of vibes and I really respect him for it.

University is fine. Thank you for asking. They were not excatuarating when they said that the first week was nothing. This is brutal and stressful, but John manages to help me study and pass any mock tests the teachers may throw at me, while Jay is my constand cheerleader through texts and random by pure chance meet ups at the flat's hallways and common areas (kitchen, living room). Ryan also helps by being the silent support whenever I am studying in the library. He will pass by me every other hour to ask me if I am alright or need anything. I don't go to the staff’s room any more, because I am genuinely afraid of being caught and then creating trouble for Ryan. So we agreed to me staying out of that room, but close enough to Ryan's post that he can keep an eye on me. He is babying me a lot, but I let him pass, because it makes him happy and I started to get used to it a lot. Don't worry mom you will meet him some day. Until then know that I am in good hands so you don't need to worry about me.

The guys in the flat are thinking of organising a study date early Wednesday before the movie nights. I can move my shift earlier that day so that I can be with them on the first one. If I like it and I manage to be able to study then, I will stick with it. Maybe we can help each other since we are studying different fields. Maybe we will just be dorks and have a fun time teasing each other. Maybe both. I don’t know at this point. I am betting on the second as I guess you do too. 

That is all I have to say for today mom. I will try writing to you whenever I can. I was a little afraid that you hadn’t called prior to the package, so I was relieved when I read that you just broke your phone when there was a power out at home. You will need to buy a small home telephone in addition to a new cell phone. It is times like these when they are important. 

Anyway, I will stop nagging now. 

Your beloved son,

Jaren.

P.S.: Mrs Lily and Mrs Samantha promised to show me the basic ropes around the kitchen so I can assist them whenever they need help, which means more cooking classes for me. When I come back mom, I promise you, I will bake something for us. I don't know what it will be yet, but I promise, I will bake something. 

P.S.2: I told them that I wanted to bake you something when I will come meet you and the two ladies just snatched me and started explaining everything on the spot. Thankfully, there were not a lot of customers at that hour for the whole shift they were teaching/ coaching me on cooking. 

P.S.3: I made my first cake today. It was undercooked from one side, but that was my fault for putting the tray too far in the front. It was very tasty and Jay that tried it said that it was passable if you would ignore the slight chewiness. I’ll take it. 


	11. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A legit diary entry after a long time. I know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (30 minutes after the update of the last chapter): Smii7y updates a new portal video with John.  
> (1 day after the last update): Kryoz updates a new sketchful.io video where he is again paired up with Jaren and he names the team "Bear fist me Daddy"
> 
> I watched them both back to back and thought "I am not missing out on this Kriity weekend. You know what? I WILL UPDATE AGAIN! SCREW YOU SLEEP!"
> 
> I am happy to know that my wish for the two of them to continue having sessions together is coming true. I hope the continue providing us "shipping food". 
> 
> *insert Kylo Ren meme saying "more" *

Dear Diary,

I find it funny that the purpose of a 'diary' is to write your secrets so that no one finds them and then here comes me who writes it so that my secrets can be found out if something bad happens. It is ironic, isn't it? Writing your personal information just to be found out eventually. It leaves a bad after taste in my mouth just thinking about it. 

I really didn't think what I would do if nothing bad happened to me. I guess I will have to really hide it and leave that chapter of my story behind me. The chapter that I am literally and figuratively am currently writing. A story that I am a protagonist of, but I have little contribution to and not out of choice. It feels a little off to know that there is someone out there that knows the end of this, while I am right here living it. That they (whoever they may be or exist) are looking at me thinking “well, you don’t know what’s about to happen, but I do hehe”. 

The thing that really scares me the most thinking that is: Will John be with me after this? Will he be willingly by my side or out of gratitude that I managed to get him out of this mess. Will I be able to get him out at all? Or is everything useless? Does he even want to tap out? I guess he does, but maybe it is me that sees the misery and sadness is his eyes. Maybe he does it so that he can be pitied, but no one else seems to notice how tired and depressed he is. Having been a loner for so long made him invisible for everyone even after all this bleached hair and painted nails. I wonder what happened to his friends. I have not seen him talking or socializing with any one other than James' gang and I am pretty sure that they are not friends with him, because they wanted to. 

Wow, I really should not drink before writing this shit. I get strangely philosophical. Maybe I need a Snickers to be myself again.

However, they seem to like following me, though. Of course, I do nothing to stop them from following me and because of that I think, they seem to take more initiatives and start to come closer every single day that passes. I really want to call the police, but I don't have any evidence to back any of my statements and even if they catch them they can always lie about it. In all the scenarios they walk free with a warning at maximum. Not very helpful at all. Ryan seems very upset about all of this, but also understands the situation. He can see that they are following me and he can testify about that, but he hasn't seen them harm me or doing something else equally bad at me. Even if we pull up John's story, John would rather die than sell out James' and his gang in fear of his family's safety. In the worst case scenario the police would think that we are the ones setting them up, because we are afraid or racist or both. 

No. Police are out of the question from the get go. 

(Note to whoever it may concern: All the information that I know from John is coming from the small notes that we have exchanged, both of which you can find on the diary glued in the pages in their respective dates. I checked my previous entries and saw that I didn't explain them at all so I take my time now to do so. I know that by doing that I am exposing John's private information without him agreeing to this, so I hope that worst doesn't come. I will accept full blame for this action. No one else knows about them. Not Ryan or Jay or my mom. No one.)

Okaaaaaay we went from philosophical drama to full of crime rating drama. Yep. I need to step down the Vodka now. 

The thing is that my flatmates start to notice them when they come to talk to me when I am working at the university's café. They are not easy to miss after all. At first, they didn't pay much attention to them, but it seems that now they are suspicious. Every time they sit down for a chat and they look at their table their facial expressions harden significantly for a couple of seconds. Every time that happens, I feel cold sweat washing my body and expect them to turn and look at me asking what is going on and why are they following us/me. I dread the day that I will have to explain to them. I don’t think they have noticed that they are following me specifically, but I doubt that it will take that long to put two and two together. 

This week John once came with bruises on his body. He tried to hide them by wearing long sleeves, but when he bent down to grab a pen that fell on the floor I saw them littering his lower arm. I didn't say anything to him. I tried to act normal after seeing them. I didn't want him to look uncomfortable around me. He already said that being in school and sitting besides me was like a small safe paradise for him. A few hours that he felt at peace and like himself. Like his old self, before he was forced to 'date' James to save his family from extinction. I don't want to spoil that. He deserves to be happy. Thus, I bit my lip and turned to pay attention back to the lecturer. However, I could feel my heart breaking to small pieces every time I remembered the big purple and yellowish stains that were on his skin. I wanted to turn and pull up his sleeves to inspect if he had any new ones every single time I saw him for the rest of that week. I didn’t. Of course, I didn’t. I feel shity that I didn’t, but I know that it was the right thing to do. He had said he didn't lay a finger on him. I guess he lied to cover his boyfriend or stop me from worrying. Well that small glimpse made it worse. Now, I worry more, because I am not scared only for his physical health, but also his mental.

My body is filled with anger. I want to go to those people and punch them in the face for turning the other cheek on something so awful that is happening to an innocent person, but my mind is stopping me from doing anything afraid that it may have consequences on John. I was never this furious in my life, but I do nothing. I can do nothing and this makes me more angry. I hate myself for doing nothing. I want to scream to John to call the police and I want John to press charges on this son of a bitch, but he won't and I know that. Even if I comfort him privately, he would say that he fell from his bike as an excuse, while the damn bike would be right beside him in a perfect condition. 

I...

I don't know what to do anymore. 

I feel useless not being able to do anything to ease his pain or protect him from his own boyfriend. He would also be mad at me and also himself for making me think like that. The selfless prick. 

It feels like watching the Titanic. You get lost at the romance and the beautiful times that the couple has, but deep down your mind remembers that the ship will sink. It doesn't let you enjoy the scenes to their full extent, because it is waiting for that iceberg to suddenly crush that safe haven that it has created in front of your very eyes. "It is calm before the storm" they say. An electrifying calmness, I might add.

I am laying low for now, I guess. With my pen and notebook on one side and a bucket on the other side of the bed. 

I just hope that this “safe paradise” will last a little bit longer.

Yours,

Jaren.

P.S.: The good thing about the whole situation with the alcohol is that me and Jay are closer than ever. The guy opened up completely to me that he almost demands constant skin ship. The same person that when I first met him told me shyly that he is not comfortable with skin ships. That guy will now hug and ruffle my hair whenever he can find a chance to do so. Which, I might add, are a lot of times. I let him be. He looks like he likes it and I don't mind at all. It brings a warm shine in his eyes that is always accompanied with an equal warm smile. A sight to see and get lost into. So I let him do his thing. 

P.S.2: I am never drinking Vodka in my life ever again. This shit is so nasty. 


	12. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A diary entry very close to the previous one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day early this week. O...o 
> 
> I just learnt that one of my close friends watched their videos on portal and now ships them. I was so utterly shocked and just stared at the message for a good 30 seconds until it clicked in my brain. I, almost, went into crazy fan mode and started asking questions. ALMOST! I withstanded the urge out of love and concern on my friend's sanity. ( Love you sis ). This gave me the motivation to start editing way earlier than normal.
> 
> Anyway. Back to the chapter. (A little bit of explanation just in case like always): The crossed sentences are things that Jaren crossed in his diary. We have established that it is written in a notebook and he writes in with a pen. The crosses are things that he wrote and later crossed. The parenthesis are the thoughts that he has while writing the diary that he actually wrote 'in parenthesis' in his diary.

Dear Diary,

I know it hasn't been that long since I last had an entry on here. Two days before, I wrote that I had hopes that this safe haven would last a little bit longer. Now I believe I almost run out of time and that the end of this exciting adventure is near. I feel like a drama queen writing that, but that was the only way my brain was able to transfer my feelings to words. 

Even as I read and reread those sentences I don't think I will be able to do my feelings any justice by changing them. So I will not, so, please excuse the dramatic way of my speech. Even if you have read this far I believe that you are more than accustomed to it by now. I am way over delaying the story that needs to be told, but I am still trying to wrap my head around it. I would hear such stories being told in the through gossip or in some cliche dramas and I would sympathise with the people, but wouldn’t ever consider them happening to me. 

Well the tables have turned, I guess. 

Huh.

Anyway. 

The following facts happened not even half an hour ago.

I was going home from my afternoon/night shift. I didn't have my headphones on as I normally do, because I wanted to take in all the peacefulness and beauty that the night brings into the city. (Thank God I did) I did want to take my now usual route through the alleys of the town, but they normally don't have lights to shine the way and I am too afraid to cross them by myself, so I opted to go through the university's buildings that had more people and felt safer. (What an irony).

I didn't see or hear him coming from behind me. Before I knew it I was tripping on my own and on my way of landing face first into the pavement if it weren't for the strong hand that grabbed my arm. We both stayed like that for a few seconds.That long it took my brain to register the situation and that I needed to thank the stranger that saved me from the fall. So, I turned to them with a small apologetic smile on my face and a word of gratitude ready to be given to the kind stranger. 

But,unfortunately, it was not a stranger.

It was James himself, smiling down at me with shining eyes burning with passion and excitement. Like a hunter that has caught his favorite prey without killing it first. 

At once, I felt everything in me halting for a second and then all of my senses coming together started to scream at me to run away from this man. Without looking back

And without any second thoughts or doubts for my actions. 

I believe he sensed my fear and tightened his grab on me. I hissed in pain and that made his wolf smile even wider. 

"Watch over where you are going, little bean. We don't want you getting hurt any time soon now, don't we?" he had said in a very low voice,the smile never leaving his face.

I wanted to scream at him to let me go, but the thought of him hurting John just because I misbehaved sent worrying chills down my spine. So, I didn't say anything to him. Instead, I picked myself up and stood straight in front of him. I attempted to get my arm back without having any hopes of him giving it and, as expected, he tightened his hold more. I bit my lips not to give them the satisfaction of a pained noise once again. 

He frowned a little bit and that gave me enough courage to ask him what he wanted from me. He said he wanted me to stop meeting and talking with John behind his back, because, he said, he knew that we were doing it. 

I wanted to snap at him that we were not meeting, but that would leave the subject of talking unattended. So I lied. I looked at him dead in the eyes and with as much calmness as I could I lied of me and John not talking with each other other than the project. He narrowed his eyes and commanded to cut the bullshit, that he knew everything from John. I knew that John wouldn't tell James about us being friends even if his life depended on it. That selfless motherfucker would deny everything just so there would be no one else besides him taking the blame and/or hurting. With that thought I lied about our friendship again. 

He didn't seem convinced and I didn't give him the time to consider my answer more. I put all my strength and got my arm out of his grasp. I threw a half apology and thanked him for saving me earlier and turned back to leave slowly. I tried to appear calm and untouched by him, cause I knew that if I would have shown any fear, he would take advantage of it. If that were to happen everything that me and John worked so hard to keep in secret would have been thrown into the trash. 

So I started walking calmly away from James. 

"We are not done. Us two. I have plans for you and I can't wait to put them in motion." I heard him shouting behind me. 

I didn't turn back. I just started walking again towards my dorm. Like that conversation didn't happen at all. 

I didn't turn back to see if he left. 

I knew he didn't. 

I could feel his eyes on my back until I turned the fist corner and got out off his line of sight.

After leaving his piercing gaze I started running as fast as humanly possible and didn't stop until I was safe inside my flat. 

I am thankful that I didn't encounter anyone in the hall, because I don't think I would have the capacity not to cry on their shoulders out of pure terror. Something that I almost did after I locked myself in my room. 

I haven't gone out since then and I can hear the guys preparing everything for our movie night. 

I don't think I will be able to attend this week. I feel too emotionally exhausted and too afraid to do so right now. I know that the moment that I see them I will burst into tears and spill out everything. Even now that I am writing this and can hear the murmur of the TV in the shared living room. Even now that I am technically safe, I can’t stop shaking. 

I don't want to drag them into this. I agree with John on this one.

They don't deserve it. No one does. 

Least of them all John. 

Oh, John. 

Is that what you have been suffering all this time you have been with him? 

All that anxiety and isolation was because of the fear of not dragging someone you love into this hell of a life you live?

Oh, John.

How are you so strong and brave to face that man every single day? I was in the same space with him for a couple of minutes and he was able to fill me up with fear like it was nothing. How are you able to even live with him under the same roof and still keep your sanity as well as your true personality and self? 

How are you able to put up with him for so long?

Oh, John, my love.

I ~~want to exchange myself with you, so that you will get rid of that son of a bitch from your life once and for all.~~

I ~~want to kill that person and set you free, even if that sends me to jail for all my life. It would be worth it if it means that you will be free to live outside this nightmare~~

I don't want you to live like this. This is not a life. This is torture.

~~ I love you so much. I can’t watch you suffer like this any longer. Whatever the price I am willing to pay. ~~

I don't know what the future will bring to us both, but if you ever read this (for whatever reason or circumstances), I want you to remember that I love you and that meeting you might be the best thing that happened in my life. I know that you can’t believe it. Hell, I wouldn’t believe me either if I was in your place, but it is true. That will never change whatever may happen next.

Yours,

Jaren.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I will see you all next week! Bye :D


End file.
